I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
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If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit