@ambamthankyamam

I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.

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@jwoodham

HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.

@TheLoinRanger

SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.

@primawesome

I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.

@bornmiserable

MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?

@squirrel74wkgn

[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner!

[real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*

@HiddenPinky

How’d you get a black eye?

Walked into a door.

[Later, another shiner]

More doors?

*nods*

One does not simply walk into more doors.

@thenatewolf

What era would you have fit best in? Mine is the one where whenever anything went wrong you could blame witches.

@aligarchy

*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW

*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER