HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
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SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner!
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
What era would you have fit best in? Mine is the one where whenever anything went wrong you could blame witches.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW
*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER