@ambamthankyamam: I saved my husband's life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
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@iinkedZombie: 5: let's play the quiet game. Me: Okay 5: ready..? Start. Me: 5: Me: 5: whoever talks first is the loser.
@LlamaInaTux: Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night? Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends Lawyer: remember, you took an oath Me: just one friend Lawyer: an oath on the Bible Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
@CruisinSoozan: As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood. Now we're like, okay yes this makes sense.
@Vodkantots: Imagine falling in love with someone and then discovering that he has faith in humanity.