@ambamthankyamam: I saved my husband's life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
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@sonictyrant: [Emergency Room] Me: *dying on table* Doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not going to *notices my crocs* Time of death 10:05 P.M.
@JVarsityCaptain: My ex can't take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
@pattonoswalt: "Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I'm trying to save Germany, not Gilligan's Island." -- Hitler's last words