I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
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Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
The best shot in the history of golf
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence