I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
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Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.