Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
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I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
So the ex texted me
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time