To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
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Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Me: BARTENDER! Bring me another beer.
Him: Mom, I’m doing my homework.
Me: *claps* Star!
Him: I hate Twitter.
Me: *belch* blocked.
I’m getting really good at this parenting thing. I just secretly ate 3 oreos while my kids were in the same room.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
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