@realHamOnWry

I saw a bear squat, take a dump then just walk away. So I’m calling bullshit on those Charmin bears.

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@kimwilliamz

The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.

@samuelhlowe

– Baby, do you think I have too much makeup on?
– That depends. Are you gonna try to kill Batman?

@kwirkyKerri

I lost all my drafts in the last update. Twitter did you all a favor.

@Henry_3k

As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.

@SequelsWeWant

Batman V Superman 2:

Both men agree their last battle was too destructive

They settle their differences by playing Uno

Loser leaves earth

@JohnLyonTweets

I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.

@UncleDuke1969

[1983]

FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!

ME: Hahaha, cool!

[just now]

ME: OH SHIT BILLY

@pro_worrier_

Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency

Me: I’m being held prisoner

Dispatch: Do they have weapons?

Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords

Dispatch: Umm ok

Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks

Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children

Me: …….Maybe.

Dispatch: 5th one today

@AdamBroud

[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?

Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em