The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
I saw a bear squat, take a dump then just walk away. So I’m calling bullshit on those Charmin bears.
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– Baby, do you think I have too much makeup on?
– That depends. Are you gonna try to kill Batman?
I lost all my drafts in the last update. Twitter did you all a favor.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Dispatch: 5th one today
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?
Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em