me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
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Goat cheese is for herders.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet