I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
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Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
What’s so funny?
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV