I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born

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Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis


Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”


MOM: gnight 🙂 sleep tight 🙂 don’t let the bed bugs bite 🙂


BED BUG: *tries to bite me*

ME: sorry bedbug my mom said no

BED BUG: julia said that? wow i thought she was cool


It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.


Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?


I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.


Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago


The road to hell is paved with good intentions

Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.


E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.


“i said make him fetch”
“what have you done”
he looks pretty fetching to me
*dog in shirt & tie*
does he have a job interview or somet