@donquixote229

I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born

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@noog

Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis

@TheCatWhisprer

Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”

@jazz_inmypants

MOM: gnight 🙂 sleep tight 🙂 don’t let the bed bugs bite 🙂

[later]

BED BUG: *tries to bite me*

ME: sorry bedbug my mom said no

BED BUG: julia said that? wow i thought she was cool

@GamerPres2020

It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.

@ericsshadow

Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?

@BoomBoomBetty

I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.

@oldlinds

Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago

@MsSouthernStems

The road to hell is paved with good intentions

Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.

@DanaJGould

E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.

@KeetPotato

“i said make him fetch”
yeah?
“what have you done”
he looks pretty fetching to me
*dog in shirt & tie*
does he have a job interview or somet