I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born

You Might Also Like


If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.


I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.


Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades

Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this


Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.


Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.


Cop: Know why I pulled you over?


Cop: *points* Your buck naked

[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”


Me: Not today Satan.

Satan: Oh thank God. Because I can’t even deal with your shit right now.