If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
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I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
A salad is a bunch of things bribing you to eat lettuce.
Me: Not today Satan.
Satan: Oh thank God. Because I can’t even deal with your shit right now.