I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
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I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds