I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
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Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone