“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
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ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Why is everyone getting married at me
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”