I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.

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I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday


I was about to commit suicide, but then a Nicki Minaj song came on the radio — so I committed suicide twice.


The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.


You know, it cost $8 for 5 condoms but you can get like 50 balloons for a buck.


Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”

Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”


I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.


How much to learn the thriller dance moves?

“Ma’am… this is senior citizens Zumba class!”


Sometimes I think you have good taste in clothing as I try on your sundress.
Other times I think you need a better home security system


Son, let me tell you the story of the Three Bears. A girl broke into their house and they ate her. Stay out of my stuff, goodnight


That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.