@SonOfCha

I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.

I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.

- @SonOfCha

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@mostunladylike

He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.

And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.

@AndyAsAdjective

7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?

ME: slowly

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@daddydoubts

My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.

@dragonsorbet

Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body

@hippieswordfish

*sees red lobster commercial*
oh shit that looks good
*goes to red lobster*
what the absolute hell happened in here

@coldlippdheresy

Told my boss the salary I want when I move to California.
Him: so you want the moon and all the stars too?
Me: and Saturn.

@yassinovic89

What if Aliens don’t want to visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

@VikramParalkar

It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.