I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
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*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Favourite diary entry ever
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Eat…
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me