I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
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Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.