I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
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A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.