@eff_yeah_steph

I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.

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@psybermonkey

Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary

Cop on other side: what is he doing

@bobvulfov

ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad

@IamEnidColeslaw

Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage

@AbbyHasIssues

Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $2,000.

@AtticusFinch79

[on the train]

Conductor: Ticket please

Me: *hands it over*

C: Lady this is a speeding ticket

M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train

@SortaBad

Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car

@JRehling

So, Noah found two polar bears in the Mideast? And after the flood, he took them back to Canada? That sounds plausible. #GodScience

@HouseWithDoors

*playing poker*
*my opponent smirks*
“All in.” he says.
*pair of aces*
*I smile*
*throws down a pair of Olsen twins*
“Full House.”