Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
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ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
So, Noah found two polar bears in the Mideast? And after the flood, he took them back to Canada? That sounds plausible. #GodScience
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
*my opponent smirks*
“All in.” he says.
*pair of aces*
*throws down a pair of Olsen twins*