I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
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colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog