These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
He just sat there.
Like a Psychopath.
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Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share