@DaveVescio

I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.

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@audipenny

[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think

@Fickle_Filly

Police: How are you feeling?

Me: I’m fine.

*polygraph explodes*

@MomOfTeen

Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.

@pleatedjeans

doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another

@ObscureGent

The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.

@HenpeckedHal

doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood

@sarcasticmommy4

If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.

@OrdinaryAlso

Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?

Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.

@KalvinMacleod

ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share