I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
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If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend