@Darlainky

I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.

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@badbanana

URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.

@TheAlexNevil

Sometimes you meet someone and know instantly how much you regret leaving your home.

@RidiculousSheri

I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.

@PhriendlyCody

[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?

me: sure. you look like a Tiffany

barista: no i mean a name for the order

me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”

@TheBoydP

[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]

Stylist: How’s the water temperature?

[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]

Me: It’s fine

@UnFitz

Pro tip:

Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.

@kevinseccia

When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?

@debon7

You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks

@StarWarsProblms

*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*

*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*

*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*

@AwkwardAndOdd

I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.