I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
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At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these