@JKNenagh

I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.

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@_elvishpresley_

*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*

HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!

Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff

HECKLER: boooo

@geauxbraves

My boss: I’m sorry, but we are going to have to let you go
Me, a physic: Wow, I didn’t see that coming
My boss:
Me: Oh.

@tomwalkerisgood

As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds

@2questionable

Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.

Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.

@Book_Krazy

Hub: When was your first kiss

Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks

Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent

Me: I hate you

@RaiderDrJones

after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.

@me_all_over

Roses are red, so is my wine.
Refill my glass and I’ll be just fine.

@UncleDuke1969

Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.

@QueefTornado

Watching a birth is beautiful.

Not knowing any of the parties in the delivery room & singing Salt-N-Pepa’s “Push It” will get you arrested.

@Ideal_Victoria

I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.