aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
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“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
My gangster name would be The Street. If someone dared to oppose me I’d say ominous things like “Look both ways before you cross The Street”
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
S: make the lid a little smaller
Walmart pokes holes in the condoms to ensure customer retention.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.