@JKNenagh

I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.

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@El_nacho_Nigre

“Gotta wake up early”

*sets alarm for 5am*

*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*

*goes back to sleep*

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: I just ran into your brother.

Friend: How’s he doing?

Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.

@Mike_Bianchi

Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.

@Storminika

I asked a blonde friend to check if my blinker was working, her reply was ‘Yes, it is. No, it’s not. Yes, it is. No, it’s not.’

@EllaZee5

Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?

caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty

@HeyZeus666

My boss thinks that homosexuality is a disease, so I’m calling in gay tomorrow.

@kbizzo30

Took the only water bottle from my car that wasn’t frozen to class…. long story short which one of my friends left a water bottle full of Malibu in my car

@BonaFideIntent

Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*

@DaHess1

Anytime I see a happy white couple in their 30’s sitting in front of a laptop, I just assume they are filming a credit score commercial.