I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.

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“Gotta wake up early”

*sets alarm for 5am*

*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*

*goes back to sleep*


Me: I just ran into your brother.

Friend: How’s he doing?

Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.


Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.


I asked a blonde friend to check if my blinker was working, her reply was ‘Yes, it is. No, it’s not. Yes, it is. No, it’s not.’


Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?

caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty


My boss thinks that homosexuality is a disease, so I’m calling in gay tomorrow.


Took the only water bottle from my car that wasn’t frozen to class…. long story short which one of my friends left a water bottle full of Malibu in my car


Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*


Anytime I see a happy white couple in their 30’s sitting in front of a laptop, I just assume they are filming a credit score commercial.