@JKNenagh

I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.

You Might Also Like

@wolfpupy

aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out

@OBiiieeee

“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church

@Bagyants

My gangster name would be The Street. If someone dared to oppose me I’d say ominous things like “Look both ways before you cross The Street”

@ItsAndyRyan

Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’

@BigBec43

Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver

@KalvinMacleod

GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller

@ch000ch

me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]

my date: why my jacket

@junejuly12

If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.