I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
You Might Also Like
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins