I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.

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*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*

HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!

Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff

HECKLER: boooo


My boss: I’m sorry, but we are going to have to let you go
Me, a physic: Wow, I didn’t see that coming
My boss:
Me: Oh.


As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds


Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.

Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.


Hub: When was your first kiss

Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks

Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent

Me: I hate you


after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.


Roses are red, so is my wine.
Refill my glass and I’ll be just fine.


Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.


Watching a birth is beautiful.

Not knowing any of the parties in the delivery room & singing Salt-N-Pepa’s “Push It” will get you arrested.


I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.