I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
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Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal