To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
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My friend showed up wearing a “Narnia is real” shirt which suits him cause they both aren’t planning to come out of the closet anytime soon.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Shaved my legs today
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Guys, if you have to point your toes to put your pants on, those aren’t your pants. Give them back to your sister.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.