I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
You Might Also Like
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Chicken bread
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Given the memory span of a goldfish…