@sarcasticmommy4: I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, "how sad, she doesn't know she could be sleeping in her bed right now."
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@goldengateblond: A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said "well I didn't throw up" and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
@envydatropic: 75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them And giving them back because they're driving you crazy
@iamspacegirl: alien: take me to your leader me: take me to YOUR leader alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?