I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
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ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.