I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.

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Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?

Me: Well I had diarrhea that day

Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?

Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day


I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”


He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath


If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.


In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident


JESUS: today im going to walk on water
[jesus walks onto ocean. entire ocean turns to wine. all ocean life dies instamtly]


What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?


6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?


if i could just have a moment of ur time to show u this…