@weedswildflowrs

I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.

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@OctopusCaveman

Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?

Me: Well I had diarrhea that day

Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?

Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day

@MelvinofYork

I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”

@PanicRestroom

He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath

@ashmensch

If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.

@Cpin42

In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident

@jonnysun

JESUS: today im going to walk on water
JUDAS: NO DONT–
[jesus walks onto ocean. entire ocean turns to wine. all ocean life dies instamtly]

@POTerritory

What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?

@dshack8

6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?

@packiejam

if i could just have a moment of ur time to show u this…