*performs CPR on the turkey*
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.