Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
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‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.