back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
I saw a man at the beach yelling “Help, Shark! Help!
I just laughed, i knew that Shark wasn’t going to help him.
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*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Wow, it’s really blowie outside
Me as a weather girl
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
If there isn’t a Pig Farmer who has changed his name to Steven Squealberg, I’m disappointed in the agricultural sector’s lack of humour.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESS
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
*opens up a 99 cent store right next to a dollar store*