The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
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Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Planet of the Apps.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”