I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
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Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.