I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
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I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.