@elle91

I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.

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@LoveNLunchmeat

No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.

@KizerBillhelm

Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT

@SammySkinns

Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%

So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying

@thatfinguy

Pretty woman wouldn’t have been as sweet of a love story if we saw all the times she sucked c**k for money weeks prior.

@dysondoc

The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.

@Dutch_50

Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.

@CheryeDavis

I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.

@moist_jeff

I set up a camera in my room like in paranormal activity but it’s just 8 hours of me waving & walking down imaginary stairs behind my bed.

@BuckyIsotope

*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous