@Slims_Ramblings

I saw a picture of myself on a milk carton once but my new family was rich so I kept my mouth shut.

You Might Also Like

@lovemydogduck

I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..

@darrinfb

You never really realize how messed up your family is, until you start describing them to people that don’t know them.

@scubavelli

“Oh I’ll be your relationship status alright…”

-me sleeping outside this Taco Bell

@tigersgoroooar

Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!

@ohpeetie

No thanks, diet. I don’t trust words that are 75% die.

@TheGoodGodAbove

The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint

@YourMomsucksTho

My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married

@evangeline_dawn

Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!

@LindaInDisguise

Google search history:

-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe