@Slims_Ramblings

I saw a picture of myself on a milk carton once but my new family was rich so I kept my mouth shut.

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@1BigMick

My wife keeps 72 half-empty bottles of stuff in the shower. And if I even look at them, they all throw themselves on the floor.

@DonKinderknecht

I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁

@OneFunnyMummy

The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.

@NotthatAdamWest

The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game; I’ll play mine.

@daddydoubts

If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.

@myonlymizztake

AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.

@MichaelLarrick

Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”

@HatfieldAnne

Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.

@donttouchjames

cdc: don’t go out

me: ok

cdc: u can’t go to bars or clubs

me: no problem

cdc: [sweating] or restaurants

me: damn. drive-thru?

cdc: still open

me: this doesn’t affect me at all