I saw a picture of myself on a milk carton once but my new family was rich so I kept my mouth shut.

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My wife keeps 72 half-empty bottles of stuff in the shower. And if I even look at them, they all throw themselves on the floor.


I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁


The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.


The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game; I’ll play mine.


If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.


AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.


Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”


Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.


cdc: don’t go out

me: ok

cdc: u can’t go to bars or clubs

me: no problem

cdc: [sweating] or restaurants

me: damn. drive-thru?

cdc: still open

me: this doesn’t affect me at all