This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
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interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
worst…sale…ever
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me