I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
I saw a picture of myself on a milk carton once but my new family was rich so I kept my mouth shut.
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You never really realize how messed up your family is, until you start describing them to people that don’t know them.
“Oh I’ll be your relationship status alright…”
-me sleeping outside this Taco Bell
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
No thanks, diet. I don’t trust words that are 75% die.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe