I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
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A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.