I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
You Might Also Like
I’ve been sucking on this Jolly Rancher for an hour. He was just a rancher when I started.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
????????? ???? ?? ?? ?????
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
If you break up and get back together more than twice, I will not listen or care about your relationship problems you idiot.
My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much.
What a thing to Fallout 4.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a beat too long*
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*