I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
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my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.