I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
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me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
😂😂
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet