I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
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I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Why soy sad?
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.