Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
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SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion