No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
You Might Also Like
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I have never related to a cat more
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Britain be like
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.