I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
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Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
We avoided this particular disaster
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
You’ll be OK
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.