I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
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Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
emergency phone
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Ok, but like, how married are you?
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.