I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
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If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
tinder profile where the fish is holding me