(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
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a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Snapes on a plane.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
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LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
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Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.