I saw a woman crying on a park bench so I sat down and hugged her and whispered “please stop stealing my spotlight”

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Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator


When I’m bored I venmo cash to strangers with messages like “you looked so peaceful while you were sleeping”.


Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”


Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh


I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.


Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.


I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.


[choosing a daycare: first child]

Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?

Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?

[choosing a daycare: second child]

Wife: do you have any openings?

Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?