@Jake_Vig

I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.

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@DevilryFun

I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.

@BatBatshitcrazy

Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.

@InternetHippo

LUCY: Dad, how did I get my name?
[flashback]
ME (signing contract in blood): Ok but can we at least shorten it?
LUCIFER: That’s fine

@hasht4g

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.

@DrawingShadows

Did you ever think that one day you would be this addicted to reading and writing?

@_salt_n_lime

Him: Do you always moan this loud when you do that?

Me popping another Reese’s cup in my mouth: Yes, why?

@PwrFulWmn

Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.

@skickwriter

Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.

-Kids

@andlikelaura

Harry Potter at an interview

Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.

@SondraDeeMe

PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.