I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
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Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
LUCY: Dad, how did I get my name?
ME (signing contract in blood): Ok but can we at least shorten it?
LUCIFER: That’s fine
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Did you ever think that one day you would be this addicted to reading and writing?
Him: Do you always moan this loud when you do that?
Me popping another Reese’s cup in my mouth: Yes, why?
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.