I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
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RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
this makes me so uncomfortable
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Merry Christmas
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.