I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
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Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 馃挜
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
the battle rages on
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
PeeWee鈥檚 Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I鈥檓 at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
that wasn’t the question
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I鈥檓 sorry 馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
I have a Russian friend who鈥檚 a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I鈥檓 gonna need you to try.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..