@mattZillaaaa

I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.

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@david8hughes

[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?

@SteveSuckington

“Why did u jump off that bridge?”

My friend did it too

“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”

Yes. I literally just said that

@Prof_Hinkley

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal

@trentistweeting

[me trying to do magic]
Is this your card?
“No”
Is THIS your card?
“Not even close”
What about THIS?
“Trent thats literally a piece of ham”

@markydoodoo

*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*

Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.

@AnkCoupleTO

[3 guys corner me in an alley]

3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit