[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
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“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
[me trying to do magic]
Is this your card?
Is THIS your card?
“Not even close”
What about THIS?
“Trent thats literally a piece of ham”
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Her: “What are we?”
Me: “We aren’t.”
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit