I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
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[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.