I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
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when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
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That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
I’m not alone. I have ants.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse