I saw a zombie wearing Crocs on The Walking Dead and thought to myself “she totally deserved to die”.

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wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit


[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger


[after 16 years of waiting, my kid finally corrects me using a dictionary]

Me: Well if you love dictionaries so much, you should just Merriam, Webster haha

Webster: Is that why-

Me: Yeah, that’s why I named you that


HR said it’s not necessary but I like my sickness to be taken seriously by having my mom send in an email validating my degree of sickness


Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.


pharaoh: over my dead body!

pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.


People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?


Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”

Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider

“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”


[Conditioning my hair in the shower]

Me: *rings bell*

My hair: *salivates*


They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.