wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
I saw a zombie wearing Crocs on The Walking Dead and thought to myself “she totally deserved to die”.
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Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
[after 16 years of waiting, my kid finally corrects me using a dictionary]
Me: Well if you love dictionaries so much, you should just Merriam, Webster haha
Webster: Is that why-
Me: Yeah, that’s why I named you that
HR said it’s not necessary but I like my sickness to be taken seriously by having my mom send in an email validating my degree of sickness
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.