BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
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I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant