Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
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Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Eat…
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
I have no passwords left in me
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.