@CelebrityChez

I saw an alligator yesterday. At first I wasn’t sure and thought it could have been a crocodile. That is until I saw it later. Then I knew.

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@sucittaM

If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.

@josswhedon

Wait, women get the WHOLE DAY? Is that in every country? It’s night where I am is it over can it be about me again

@CMHorrocks

Is cyanide the most efficient way to kill someone? Asking for a fiend.

@camelSWAG69

[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week

@LuvPug

I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron

@BPMbadassmama

I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.

@tastefactory

“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon