I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
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FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Yup
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?