“I wanna know who is responsible for this!” nn-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
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Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
The holidays are coming. If you do NOT want snakes please send me a notarized letter asking for NO SNAKES. Otherwise you are getting snakes.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Obama: we need to create a plan to reduce pollution
Biden: *turns from watching captain planet* have you asked the planeteers for help?