I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
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Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.